Faux Ko: A Riff-Off of Momofuku Ko, Food Porn Capital of the Free World

The entire pig species aside, who doesn’t love chef extraordinaire (and our write-in vote for New York mayor) David Chang? To pay tribute to our favorite pork whisperer, we analyzed countless versions of the Momofuku Ko menu, combined with our personal experiences in Chang World, and set out to recreate the ultimate 10-course gastro-slam (we did 9 with a bonus cocktail course). Besides being hamstrung by our own inabilities and blissful ignorance, we added a 10-hour time constraint for one more pressure-cooker element.

Our goal: To start cooking in the morning and by evening, present the plated incarnations of our blood, sweat and tears to a roomful of people who presumably would still love us no matter how badly we %^$# this up.

Read on for the menu, logistics, visual carnage, and the glam and not-so-glam results.

The lesson learned: There’s a reason why David Chang is the inimitable David Chang. Viva la meat!

THE MENU

AMUSE

1. House-Made English Muffin with Lemongrass Butter

RAW

1. Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Turnips a la Ssäm Bar

MEAT

1. Korean BBQ Chicken Steamed Buns

EGG

1. Egg-Caviar Nests a la Ko

PASTA

1. Shanghai Stir Fry with Noodles

FISH

1. Scallops with Kohlrabi Purée and Pickled Chanterelles a la Ko

FOIE AND LOBSTER

1. Asian Gnocchi with Lobster
2. Pan-Roasted Dry-Aged Rib Eye a la Ssäm Bar

DESSERT

1. Lemongrass-Verbena Brulée Bites with Brandy Snap Fortunes

THE LOGISTICS

Here’s a rundown of our logistics. Do try this at home — if nothing else, you’ll burn some calories slinging Ko and have a nice adrenal high not unlike running a marathon.

9:30 a.m.

1. Fill camelback with cocktails coffee
2. Get ready to raise your Ko-jo

10:30 a.m.

1. Prep steamed buns — 30 of 45 minutes
2. Prep brulée, preheat oven — 45 minutes
3. Prep and cook kholrabi puree and pickled chanterelles — 40 minutes

11:00 a.m.

1. Prep steamed buns — 15 remaining minutes, plus begin 2 hour rising time
2. Prep remaining brulée — 15 minutes, plus 30 minutes bake time
3. Prep Brandy Snaps — 15 of 30 minutes
4. Finish kholrabi and chanterelles — 10 minutes
5. Prep onion soubise stovetop — 20 minutes, plus 2 1/2 hours cook time

11:30 a.m.

1. Rise buns — 30 of 120 minutes rise time
2. Pull brulées out of oven and refrigerate at least 2 hours
3. Up oven temp to 300 degrees for Brandy Snaps, finish prep — 15 minutes
4. Cook onion soubise — 30 of 150 minutes
5. Marinate BBQ chicken meat in sauce — 30 minutes

12:00 p.m.

1. Prep biscuits dough — 30 of 60 minutes
2. Rise buns — 60 of 120 minutes rise time
3. Bake Brandy Snaps — 12 minutes per batch
4. Roll Brandy Snaps around spoon handle to shape and then rest — 10 minutes
5. Cook onion soubise — 60 of 150 minutes
6. Rest chicken marinade — 30 of 120 minutes
7. Consider nourishing yourself with lunch — 60 seconds
8. Talk selves out of a cocktail — 10 minutes

12:30 p.m.

1. Prep biscuits dough — last 30 minutes
2. Rise buns — 90 of 120 minutes rise time
3. Prep homemade gnocchi — 15 minutes
4. Cook onion soubise — 90 of 150 minutes
5. Rest chicken marinade — 60 of 120 minutes
6. Eat a granola bar
7. Chase granola bar with shot of sake

1:00 p.m.

1. Rise biscuit dough — 30 of 60 minutes
2. Rise buns — last 30 minutes
3. Prep vegetables and sauce for noodles — 30 minutes
4. Prep pickled apples — 30 minutes, 2 or more hours rest time
5. Cook onion soubise — 120 of 150 minutes
6. Rest chicken marinade — 90 of 120 minutes
7. Send David Chang a mental high five, secretly curse him for making it look easy

1:30 p.m.

1. Rise biscuit dough — last 30 minutes
2. Cook noodles in wok — 15 minutes (to be reheated later)
3. Preheat oven to 450 degrees for Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Turnips
4. Prep vegetables, sauce and bake — 60 minutes
5. Cook onion soubise — last 30 minutes
6. Rest chicken marinade — last 30 minutes
7. Punch buns [insert your own joke here] — 10 minutes, plus rest 30 minutes

2:00 p.m.

1. Place dough in fridge — 60 seconds, plus 30 to 60 minutes fridge time
2. Make lemongrass butter — 10 minutes
3. Prep and cook Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Turnips and Puffed Rice — 30 of 60 minutes
4. Cook chicken stovetop — 35 minutes
5. Re-kindle mini sake buzz with another shot — 16 seconds

2:30 p.m.

1. Stare at biscuit dough — 60 seconds, plus 30 minutes more fridge time
2. Roll out buns into pieces — 30 minutes
3. Grate potatoes for nests — 30 minutes
4. Sprinkle sake into dishes randomly when no one is looking
5. Note that David Chang probably doesn’t do this

3:00 p.m.

1. Roll out biscuit dough — 15 minutes, plus 30 minutes fridge more fridge time
2. Fry Potato Nests, then cool on a paper towel — 30 minutes
3. Rise buns — 30 minutes
4. Nibble on cocktail garnish

3:30 p.m.

1. Hang tight with biscuit dough — last 30 minutes in fridge
2. Preheat oven to 250 degrees — 60 seconds
3. Note to self: next time hire the bartender and a dishwasher — 2 minutes

4:00 p.m.

1. Cook/bake biscuits — 30 of 45 minutes
2. Steam buns, cover with towels to keep warm [DIY joke here] — 30 minutes
3. Boil eggs and give ice water bath — 30 minutes
4. Sub out sake shots for sake-tini — 4 minutes
5. Realize pizza could be delivered in 45 minutes, in time for first course

4:30 p.m.

1. Cook biscuits — last 15 minutes
2. Toast biscuits with butter until crispy — 15 minutes
3. Prep herb salad for egg dish — 20 minutes
4. Yell at selves for not hiring an intern — 3 to 5 minutes
5. Clarify, make that a “hot” intern — 3 additional seconds

5:00 Serve House-Made English Muffin with Lemongrass Butter

5:00 p.m.

1. Prep dashi broth for scallops — 5 minutes
2. Heat steamed buns and assemble with chicken and apples — 10 minutes
3. Steal hot biscuit, purely for sampling reasons — 15 seconds if you’re fast
4. Nab a second one, they’re small — 10 seconds if you forego chewing
5. Coerce significant others into starting cocktail hour (use force as necessary)
6. Plate roasted Brussels Sprouts and Turnips

5:15 Serve Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Turnips a la Ssäm Bar

5:30 p.m.

1. Prep potato nest — 10 minutes
2. Assemble egg dish — 10 minutes
3. Plate egg dish with caviar and vinegar — 3 minutes
4. Sake bomb, anyone?

5:45 Serve Korean BBQ Chicken Steamed Buns

6:00 Serve Egg-Caviar Nests a la Ko

6:00 p.m.

1. Re-heat noodle dish stovetop and plate — 10 minutes
2. Cook scallops and assemble/plate — 30 minutes
3. Pre-heat oven for steak — 16 seconds
4. Prep lobster sauce — 15 minutes
5. Heat large pot of water for gnocchi — 15 minutes
6. Re-apply deodorant (liberally) — 3 minutes

6:30 Serve Shanghai Stir Fry with Handmade Noodles

6:30 p.m.

1. Cook lobster, gnocchi and sauce — 30 minutes
2. Prep steak ingredients — 10 minutes
3. Cook steak — 20 minutes
4. Threaten to fire bartender if he doesn’t hustle his tight ^%$^%&$ up

7:00 Serve Scallops with Kohlrabi Puree and Pickled Chanterelles

7:00 p.m.

1. Toss vegetables with dressing and puffed rice
2. Heat large pot of water for steaming lobster — steam lobster, 12 to 15 minutes max, plate and serve at 7:30
3. Cook/rest steak and plate — 15 minutes

7:30 Serve Asian Gnocchi with Lobster, Pan-Roasted Dry-Aged Rib Eye a la Ssäm Bar

7:30 p.m.

1. Stuff Brandy Snaps with fortunes — 3 minutes
2. Fire top of brulée with torch — 2 minutes
3. Plate brulée bites and Brandy Snaps fortune cookies
4. Tailor fortune cookies with passive-aggressive statements and interventions (guests love the element of surprise, especially when personalized)
5. Blame off-color fortunes on high-pressure environment and your sake-infused bloodstream

8:00 Serve Lemongrass-Verbena Brulée Bites with Brandy Snap Fortunes

8:00 p.m.

1. Read fortunes — 60 seconds
2. Add “in bed” to end of fortunes, hope for the best
3. Offer extra dessert as incentive

The End.